The darkness of depression.

Let’s be honest with you, no mask being worn here just pure heartfelt honesty. I have been to the depths of depression, those thoughts of wanting to end it all, those feelings of being unloved and not wanted, rejecting others and myself. I have been in a crowd and felt lonely. Each day I catch a boat and 2 busy metros just to get to work, and of course the same back. Sometimes loneliness has never been as bad as those journeys, especially being an English man in a foreign country. I am a long way from my biological family, but I have church family that have taken me in and loves me. The worst thing is, like many who were not brought up with love and stability, it is hard to accept love once the barriers are up, or if you do not love yourself.
I have many reasons not to be depressed. I have a job, a partner, a church and a God I believe in, a family here and future hope. Yet somewhere deep beneath this surface was a hidden darkness masked through the comfort of my life in England. Once that comfort blanket was taken away and I was out in deep waters, I had to allow this darkness to be revealed. 

I lived 13 years in foster care moving place to place. It was confusing sometimes. Moved on because I didn’t behave well, being taken in for the money. Don’t get me wrong some families were genuinely nice, but I couldn’t control my emotions, I guess the first 5years of abuse in my life really left a mark for me and all my brothers and sisters. Sometimes I wonder how much to share, I don’t want a pat on the shoulder and someone to say it will all be okay. I get that people who do that are trying to help, but that doesnt help with the matter at hand. I have discovered through my 29 years of life is not to make quick judgements on how a person acts, we have no idea what they have been through and why they are that way. What’s best, tell them you do not understand if you dont, tell them that as a friend you won’t give up on them, tell them and appreciate themself and that everything is not there fault. Guilt is a murderer because it kills the joy of life. I wish I was told these things when I was younger, I hear them now because of the love shown through Christ and his church, without that I doubt I would be here today.

I could say so much more to fellow bloggers who struggle with these issues. I would just say this because its what I have learned to tell myself. ‘Never give up, you have purpose, you are worthy of life and its not your  fault!’ Some things we can take the blame for, but we can also forgive ourselves along with those who have hurt us, this is the pathway to freedom. Depression is caused because we constantly believe the lie. The truth is God loves you always, even when the world doesnt. You can always love and view yourself in view of this love because it is always secure. For we are loved with an everlasting love. I dont blame my past for my future, because I am old enough to make decisions that can make the future better. People with depression, you have come this far and read this post, dont quit! We can overcome!



2 thoughts on “The darkness of depression.

  1. my wife has struggled with depression for years. and when we first realized how serious it was, those were some very dark months. But it coincided pretty perfectly with the season of Lent. every segment on Catholic radio seemed to be about dealing with spiritual wildernesses, and even mental illness. I resonate a lot with the idea that the church needs to come around us when we’re going through depression or any dark time in our lives. it was the hardest time of our lives and our marriage, but I never felt alone. and a big part of what helped my wife was the community around her as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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